GREENWICH VILLAGE - R7511A, a lab rat at New York University, had Chantix psychosis. Before the clinical trials were brought to an end, the rat, renamed Snickers, committed suicide..
The head of smoking cessation product testing, Dr. Josef Mengele, spoke about the rat in a hushed tone. "We noticed extreme mood swings, alternating between euphoria and bottomless depression," he said. "We of course, made the decision to continue the trial in the interest of science. No one here ever thought it would end so tragically."
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"Snickers would spend hours spinning his wheel after being given a proportional dose of Chantix. Then, he would curl up in a fetal position in a corner of the cage for almost 24 hours. He would get up, take a drink from his bottle, use the smoking machine, and go back to the fetal position for another 24 hours. Finally, he wandered aimlessly around the cage, looking confused."
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"This was repeated every time we gave him another Chantix dose. We truly thought the behavioral side effects of the drug would be quantified, then published, and Snickers could go to a wholesome home with one of the students. There was never any sign he would hang himself. We are as shocked and saddened as the animal rights people. Peta has already started picketing."
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"Pfizer has already called me, to ask that this suicide be kept quiet," Dr. Mengele continued. "I told him it would be unethical for me to do so, especially if this placed the general public at risk. In fact, I recommended this be placed on the list of side effects. The Pfizer rep hung up on me."
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Dr. Mengele then gestured to the marijuana plants lining his office. "We're getting much better results with cannabis," he said. "And the students and lab rats are finding the clinical trials are a blast. Peta should really look into this. I can tell you there is a two-year waiting list for my classes. I'm thinking of having a lottery to attend my lectures."
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"I've never seen happier animals in my life," he concluded.
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