N Carolina To Regulate Sale of Cereal

State Constitution Allows Sale of People

Extra: Electric Cars Are Dangerous

RALEIGH - State Sen. Tom Apodaca (R) announced that North Carolina will ban the sale of Tesla cars. At the same press conference, Sen. Apodaca said North Carolina will regulate the sale of cereals. 

"We are concerned that the public gets the right amount of grains in their diet. We have passed a bill requiring a registered dietitian be on the staff of every supermarket branch in the state. For example, if a Harris-Teeter branch did not have a staff dietitian, they would be fined one thousand dollars per day, and risk being shut down. We feel this is the only way North Carolinians get the roughage they need."

He continued, "If it were up to liberals, people could buy all the cereal they want went it went on sale, and they would flock to the emergency room, bleeding out their ass. Things are going to get expensive enough with Obamacare."

Senator Apodaca also said North Carolina would outlaw the use of e-mail. "We want people to use the postal service, not some newfangled thingy on their desk."

Senator Apodaca proudly noted "the state constitution allows the buying and selling of people. We found an 1860 law that has been ignored up to now."

Texas Secedes?

Col. Rick Perry, Republic of Texas

AUSTIN - At a press conference in the Texas Capitol building, Gov. Rick Perry announced he will act on a campaign pledge to secede from the Union. 

"I am fed up with the federal government, especially with that colored fella, and we're gonna to do what our agreement said we could. When Texas entered the union in 1845, it was with the understanding it could pull out. And that's what we're gonna do. We're going to work out an arrangement to share Spoon, but that's it.

That Obama guy might as well go to Kenya, 'cause he ain't welcome in Texas.

Louisiana might even join us. That Indian guy is alright. He's a Christian, and he believes in Creation. Even got a law passed - told the feds right to go to hell where they belong, along with that Kenyan who believes in mumbo-jumbo.

And Louisiana knows how to treat them colored. Those panty-waist liberals call it prison slavery. Hell it is - it's good business, which is more than those liberal snobs know.

I got one thing to say to that Obama fella and the feds - we're an independent lot, and we're sending you packing."

Obama: 'I Am Suing Orly Taitz'

Perkins Coie To File In Orange County

Dr. Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq.

WASHINGTON, DC - At a White House press conference today, Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Obama's law firm of Perkins Coie is filing a libel, slander, and defamation lawsuit against California dentist/lawyer/real estate agent Dr. Orly Taitz.

"We are sending a team of attorneys today to Federal Court in Orange County. President Obama has simply had enough of Dr. Taitz's antics, and his lawyers have advised shutting her down.

We are asking for damages of one million dollars, and are hoping the judge will treble that, because she has engaged in malicious behavior.

I am not able to take questions, because of the on-going litigation. For any further information or updates, I am going to refer you to Perkins Coie's spokesman. You'll have to contact them directly. 

That is all I can tell you. Thank you for attending."

Netanyahu Explained

Bibi's UN presentation explained:

Where did Mitt Romney bury the girl he strangled in 1987?

BREAKING NEWS Glenn Beck refuses to deny involvement EXTRA

 

So readers, let's hear what you have to say about Willard Mitt Romney, while I work on another column.

 

Romney: 'Obama Does Not Tip'

Shocking new charge: 'Obama did not tip the waitresses in college.'

 

BOSTON - At a campaign headquarters presser, Willard Romney said "As a college student, I always tipped waitresses. It never bothered me that our coins and paper money had "In God we trust" on it."

 

"I can assure you that it did not offend me in college, and it does not offend me now. As president, I will always tip servers and not object to "God" on our currency. I will not use "In God we trust", as an excuse not to tip."

 

Governor Romney then closed the press conference with a pledge to the flag, with a chorus led by Jenna Jameson.

A Musical Interlude

Enjoy this music video while I work on another article.

 

 

 



WND: 'Romney Has Unicorn DNA?'

CHANTILLY - WorldNetDaily majordomo Joseph Farah announced today, that WND is going to investigate Willard Mitt Romney's birth certificate and family history, to determine once and for all if the Republican presidential candidate has unicorn DNA.

 

"We know for a fact that Barack Hussein Obama's major influences were card carrying Communist Party activists. Both of his parents were communists, as well as Frank Marshall Davis, Obama's secret father. Davis died in Honolulu in 1987. The connection is obvious."

 

Farah continued, "What we don't know, is if Willard Mitt Romney is a dual Mexican citizen and more importantly, if Romney has unicorn DNA from his family tree. Judge Cebull has pointed out the ways Obama's mother slept around. We want to know if any of Romney's ancestors in Mexico slept around similarly. It was a polygamist colony, so who knows? The American people deserve nothing less."

 

Farah went on to say, "Income from the so-called birther crowd has petered out. We feel by courting the unicorn crowd, we will have a new income stream. A new line of unicorn merchandise has been added to our on-line store, and we now accept every type of payment to make it easy for our readers to indulge themselves, as well as ourselves. For example, we now carry seeds which grow vegetables that are not attractive to unicorns. I'm proud of that."

The Truth About Voter ID

"Voter ID which is gonna allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania - done." - PA House Republican Leader Mike Turzai; June 23, 2012



Bris-In-A-Carton

Discarded by a mohel.

Romney Humor

Mitt Romney, Boris Yeltsin and a dog walk into a bar.

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The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

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Romney says, "I'm a Mormon. I don't drink alcohol or coffee. I'll have a Vernor's."

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Yeltsin says, "I'll have a Black Russian."

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The dog says, "After those 12 stinking hours, I'll have grain alcohol, and throw some cold water on that pompous ass wearing blue jeans.”

Kelly Keisling Wins Asshole Award

New York Leftist is pleased to announce the winner of its coveted Asshole of the Moment™ award, is Tennessee Rep. Kelly Keisling (R-Mars).

Representative Keisling and his assistant Holt Witt are fine Xtian reptiles gentlemen, as confirmed by Holt Witt's salutation, "Something to think and PRAY about. Interesting times…Blessings"

Representative Keisling, and I use that honorific loosely, has openly wished for the assassination of our president. It's a new low in the tradition of US Representative Joe Wilson, from South Carolina's 2nd congressional district. Not surprisingly, he is also from a red state.

I firmly believe southern states should be allowed to secede. The nation's dental health would improve by 100%, overnight.

Romney Rejects Randy Recommendation

Romney renounces Jenna Jameson endorsement: "I'd rather have Trump's than that tramp's."

BOSTON -  Willard Mitt Romney today repudiated Jenna Jameson's endorsement saying, "I need to get 50.1% or more and I'm appreciative to have the help of a lot of good people - except harlots like her."

When asked about Romney's repudiation, Ms. Jameson said "I don't understand Mittens. I've screwed more people than he has. Maybe it's age. Like when I told Mittens I like it doggy-style, he strapped me to the roof of his car. Kinky, now that I think about it. Plus, I was hoping to become the sister second First Lady. It happens all the time in Utah."

Trump was more direct: "Jesus Christ, what's this country coming to, when whores and ignoramuses act like they're important?" Trump went on to say, "They want me in Tampa. As a matter of fact, I've been given the GOP's Statesman of the Year award. That's how important I am. Suck on it, Obama. Herman Cain is my supporter. Like I told you, I have a great relationship with the blacks, except for that Kenyan."     

Romney Lands in Israel

TEL AVIV - Probative presumptive retrograde Tea Party Trump GOP puppet candidate Willard Mitt Romney's entourage landed at Ben Gurion International Airport, today. His airplane was accompanied by a helicopter brigade, to the strains of Die Walküre. Despite the Romney campaign's having banned the media, New York Leftist was able to get behind the lines, and got this footage of his landing:

"I have told my good friend Bibi that I will defer to him, just as I have done for Birthers and the rest of the psycho-ceramics like Michele Bachmann, who control the GOP guard our common Anglo-Saxon heritage," Romney told a group of hushed reporters.

In related news, Glenn Beck said "I want to give a shout out to the John Birch Society, who are stopping Americans from being poisoned by fluoride. Our magic underwear protects us against all evil forces."

Market America - Threat or Menace?

Part one is here. Part two is here.

In my previous blog posts, I wrote about the MA breathtaking mark-ups, and that much of what they sell are nostrums. I also wrote MA is a pyramid scheme, that they are getting away with.

When someone becomes a new distributor, which MA cynically calls "UnFranchise owners," they have to recruit at least six more people, in order to get commissions on what that new distributor foists on the public.

But wait - there's more! New distributors are required to attend "training sessions," so they learn the proper way to present MA's "unique products which are not carried in stores." Those sessions cost between $200 - $300, and the new distributor has to attend a certain number of them, "so they can move up in the organization." Distributors are also required to attend a certain number of sales conventions, in places like Miami, San Antonio, and Greensboro. There is a charge of ~$395 to attend, plus the cost of transportation, hotel room and meals. MA doesn't pay for anything - those schmucks distributors are independent contractors, after all.

MA distributors sign an agreement that they will not sell any products on eBay. First, MA does not want anything sold at less than their retail price, and there is not an opportunity to turn a customer into a distributor in the pyramid.  Distributors are warned of dire legal action if they sell anything on eBay, and don't forget MA has a legal team which will make the 10 plagues look like an inconvenience.