WASHINGTON, DC - John Boehner, following in the esteemed footsteps of Sam Rayburn, is going to be elevated to Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives with the victory of a Republican majority. He will celebrate by holding a hoedown in the House rotunda..
"This is the best way of celebrating my humble roots," he remarked. "I also will invite my 11 siblings" Mr. Boehner said, as he took a drag on a Camel, his favorite brand. "I worked in my father's tavern, so I will be running the open bar in the rotunda," he confirmed. "We'll only be serving American beer. If you want Heineken, you're out of luck. Same for wine. None of that French stuff. We got California jug wine."
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Mr. Boehner, perpetually tanned or jaundiced, is relishing the prospect of finally attaining Speaker, after years of being a gofer for senior House members.
Still up in the air is an alleged affair with Lisbeth Lyons, a lobbyist. Mr. Boehner has refused to comment when asked, as has Ms. Lyons. She has not confirmed if she will be invited to the rotunda hoedown. "I bought cowboy boots, just in case," she said. "Do you think his wife will be there?"
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