REPORT: Military Coup Called Off

Military coup progress halted - Leader basket case

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!

THIS IS NOT A JOKE OR PARODY!!! THIS IS REAL!!!

The leader of the on-going military coup, as reported by PP Simmons is now a hospital basket case.

The coup leader - everyone knows this guy's name - used his 3D printer to print a gun. When testing it, the gun exploded, and this patriotic American is unable to lead the coup.

I personally visited him at a VA hospital, but I am unable to disclose the location. I can only tell you it's in the woods. Here is my account of the hospital visit.

After a long walk, I finally found the room where this general is staying. He was resting in bed, with the blanket covering up everything except his face. While we were talking, he asked me to scratch under his chin. Then he asked me to scratch behind his ears.

When I got close to the general, I said "What a deep voice you have." He nodded. I then said, "What big eyes you have." He smiled. I said "What big hands you have!" "Oops," he said. Finally, I said, "What a big mouth you have." He pushed away the blanket.

"Hey, you're supposed to be a basket case!" I exclaimed, as he chased me around the room. I ran down the hall, through the woods and sat down at my computer to warn everyone.

Ultimatum Déjà Vu

Has Obama become Bush lite?

"We are now acting because the risks of inaction would be far greater." - GW Bush

"The risk of not acting is greater than the risk of acting." - SoS Kerry

__________

"Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours. Their refusal to do so will result in military conflict commenced at a time of our choosing." - GW Bush

"He could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week, turn it over. All of it. But he isn't about to do it, and it can't be done obviously." - SoS Kerry

The State Department later said the comments had been rhetorical and were meant to highlight the impossibility of such action.

__________

Iraq has consistently denied possessing weapons of mass destruction.

"In an interview earlier, Assad refused to even acknowledge that he has chemical weapons. Of course, the whole world knows he does." - White House Press Secretary Jay Carney

'Use of chemical weapons crosses clear red lines'

Iraq redux is here.

Iraq Redux

Napalm is a war crime:
'Use of chemical weapons crosses clear red lines' is here.

"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction.” – VP Cheney

“There is no doubt who is responsible for this heinous use of chemical weapons, the Syrian regime.” – VP Biden

“We know where they [Iraq's WMD] are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south, and north somewhat.” 
- SoD Rumsfeld

"We know where the rockets were launched from and at what time. We know where they landed and when. We know rockets came only from regime-controlled areas and went only to opposition-controlled or contested neighborhoods." - SoS Kerry

My e-mail to Mario Apuzzo

I have sent this e-mail to Mario Apuzzo, asking for his position on a Rafael Edward Cruz presidential campaign. I have posted a countdown clock, starting from the time I sent it. I will stop the timer when Mario Apuzzo sends me a reply. Since Mario and Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq. have been two of the loudest characters claiming that President Obama is illegally in our White House, I am going to closely watch for their reaction to Rafael Edward Cruz's presidential hopes.

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Rafael Edward Cruz has just released his Canadian birth certificate.

Adrien Nash, AKA H₂OofLife CO₂ofLife: Neo-Nazi

Birthers are Denialists Motivated by Race

This is Adrien Nash's/CO₂ofLife idea of humor:

click for a close-up of this gem

I don't have to add anything.

Rep. Jeff Duncan - Asshole of the Moment™

NYL is pleased to award its coveted Asshole of the Moment™ award to Rep. Jeff Duncan. Naturally, he is a Republican from South Carolina.

Duncan appeared on Rick Wiles radio program. Wiles is a professional rabble-rouser, who touts the usual RWNJ conspiracy pablum to a gullible audience, which eagerly laps up whatever is served by Wiles or Beck. 

Duncan jumped on the crazy train bandwagon, declaring "there you go; I'm all with you, so let's go back and revisit some of these things because Americans have questions about...the President's validity."

I had some questions about Presidential eligibility, and some questions about Rep. Duncan's ability to answer them. I sent this e-mail to Rep. Duncan on June 15, 2013:

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I got this reply. He got my gender wrong, too:

Duncan did not correct one of my blatantly un-Constitutional claims, which have been flying around the 'Net for years. In fact, he sympathized with me.

The Intellectual Taxi Company

With so many college graduates unemployed, or underemployed, I would like to propose the Intellectual Taxi Company.

Here's the solution: Someone wants to go to the airport and have a stimulating ride. They decide to discuss, say, Albert Camus along the way. They would call the Intellectual Taxi Company, and ask for a philosophy major.

"Hi. I'd like to go to the airport and discuss Camus on the way there."

"Great. We have a philosophy major, who is well versed in Camus and Sartre. You can discuss both."

"Fine. Send him over."

Best of all, regular rates would apply, not a premium. Plus, drivers' life experiences could be applied to those still matriculating. I say it's win-win for everyone.

Cricket Wireless Sucks

I have published a new blog about the miserable, surly staff at Cricket Wireless.

Send this to your friends. Help me boycott Cricket Wireless.

Libertarian Calls 911

HOUSTON - Bobbie Mackenzie, a Libertarian Party member and Ron Paul supporter called 911 today, during an asthma episode.

Mr. Mackenzie said he called the government against his principles. "First, I called my mom, but she couldn't get away from work. Then I called my friends in the Libertarian Party. Some didn't answer, and the others couldn't get here from work or classes. I finally broke down and called the rescue squad."

Mr. Mackenzie explained how government workers can't cut it in the private sector, as one Fire Department employee put an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. "I'll tell you, when Ron Paul is president he'll privatize fire departments," Mr. Mackenzie said as two rescue squad members lifted him onto a stretcher. "Once they're privatized, their union won't get them obscene salaries," he said as a Fire Department squad member put an IV line into a vein.

"When Rand Paul is president, the Fire Department will have to buy their own vehicles instead of the taxpayers," he said as the Rescue Squad wheeled him to an ambulance. "I suppose they're going to take me to a public hospital, instead of the one operated by Tenet," Mr. Mackenzie said from the back of the ambulance. "Well, the free ride at the expense of taxpayers is going to be over soon," he continued, raising his voice over the siren.

"When Ron Paul is president, I'll be able to go to the hospital of my choice instead of letting socialist fascists take me to where they want to go. Public hospitals are really communist institutions."

"I wonder how much the city is going to charge me for this," Mr. Mackenzie asked. "I shouldn't have to pay for this. I pay enough in taxes, which are really confiscated wages," he said as he was wheeled into the nearest hospital. "They said the Tenet hospital was too far. Typical public employees, always taking the easy way out," he concluded through the oxygen mask.

N Carolina To Regulate Sale of Cereal

State Constitution Allows Sale of People

Extra: Electric Cars Are Dangerous

RALEIGH - State Sen. Tom Apodaca (R) announced that North Carolina will ban the sale of Tesla cars. At the same press conference, Sen. Apodaca said North Carolina will regulate the sale of cereals. 

"We are concerned that the public gets the right amount of grains in their diet. We have passed a bill requiring a registered dietitian be on the staff of every supermarket branch in the state. For example, if a Harris-Teeter branch did not have a staff dietitian, they would be fined one thousand dollars per day, and risk being shut down. We feel this is the only way North Carolinians get the roughage they need."

He continued, "If it were up to liberals, people could buy all the cereal they want went it went on sale, and they would flock to the emergency room, bleeding out their ass. Things are going to get expensive enough with Obamacare."

Senator Apodaca also said North Carolina would outlaw the use of e-mail. "We want people to use the postal service, not some newfangled thingy on their desk."

Senator Apodaca proudly noted "the state constitution allows the buying and selling of people. We found an 1860 law that has been ignored up to now."

Texas Secedes?

Col. Rick Perry, Republic of Texas

AUSTIN - At a press conference in the Texas Capitol building, Gov. Rick Perry announced he will act on a campaign pledge to secede from the Union. 

"I am fed up with the federal government, especially with that colored fella, and we're gonna to do what our agreement said we could. When Texas entered the union in 1845, it was with the understanding it could pull out. And that's what we're gonna do. We're going to work out an arrangement to share Spoon, but that's it.

That Obama guy might as well go to Kenya, 'cause he ain't welcome in Texas.

Louisiana might even join us. That Indian guy is alright. He's a Christian, and he believes in Creation. Even got a law passed - told the feds right to go to hell where they belong, along with that Kenyan who believes in mumbo-jumbo.

And Louisiana knows how to treat them colored. Those panty-waist liberals call it prison slavery. Hell it is - it's good business, which is more than those liberal snobs know.

I got one thing to say to that Obama fella and the feds - we're an independent lot, and we're sending you packing."

Obama: 'I Am Suing Orly Taitz'

Perkins Coie To File In Orange County

Dr. Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq.

WASHINGTON, DC - At a White House press conference today, Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Obama's law firm of Perkins Coie is filing a libel, slander, and defamation lawsuit against California dentist/lawyer/real estate agent Dr. Orly Taitz.

"We are sending a team of attorneys today to Federal Court in Orange County. President Obama has simply had enough of Dr. Taitz's antics, and his lawyers have advised shutting her down.

We are asking for damages of one million dollars, and are hoping the judge will treble that, because she has engaged in malicious behavior.

I am not able to take questions, because of the on-going litigation. For any further information or updates, I am going to refer you to Perkins Coie's spokesman. You'll have to contact them directly. 

That is all I can tell you. Thank you for attending."

Netanyahu Explained

Bibi's UN presentation explained:

Where did Mitt Romney bury the girl he strangled in 1987?

BREAKING NEWS Glenn Beck refuses to deny involvement EXTRA

 

So readers, let's hear what you have to say about Willard Mitt Romney, while I work on another column.