Here We Go Again - Another Kenya Birth Certificate

click on the certificate for a close-up

Inhaler Etiquette

by Miss Manners, with D. Vader
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Most people who regularly use asthma inhalers or nebulizers, do not know the proper etiquette that goes along with their use. I hope to use my many years of experience to help others become welcome, polite denizens. Follow these simple tips, and you will be graciously invited into homes, workplaces, ambulances and hospitals the world over.

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First, whenever you are seated with others, offer the inhaler to all those in close proximity. To those immediately next to you, proffer the inhaler and simply ask "wanna toke?" You should do this, even if the people around you are not asthmatic. It is bad manners to merely give the appearance of being someone who would bogart what you are using, and enjoying. This also applies to your using a nebulizer, although it is more difficult to pass around something that is tethered.

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Remember the soundtrack from Easy Rider: "Don't bogart that inhaler, my friend/Pass it over to me." The Fraternity Of Man and Country Joe And The Fish, have been singing this advice since at least 1968. Wiser words have never been spoken.

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If you have difficulty speaking, use hand signals for messages like "I think I'm going to pass out," and "call an ambulance." Watching Monty Python re-runs will show you how to sign such things, along with hand signals for "I can't breathe." Mel Brooks movies also have valuable lessons on hand signals.

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OTC inhalers can be purchased world wide, and they work - I speak from experience. In an emergency, they can be used usually with good results until you get home, or the ER. Remember to offer to share an OTC inhaler, too. They contain epinephrine, which even non-asthmatics will get a kick from. You'll be remembered as the life of the party when you pass one of those around.

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If your dog has asthma, don't try home remedies. Ask your veterinarian for the best means of treatment. What works for you, may not work for your dog. And what works for your dog, may not work for you. Remember, the only pet who ever carried on an intelligent conversation was Mr. Ed, and he has died - but not from asthma, just old age.

Batmobile Comes To NYC

The Dominatrix Dominator came to visit NYC yesterday, an 8,500 pound kinky ride built on a Chevy Tahoe frame.

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It's used by people who get their thrills driving into tornadoes, while everyone else who is sane, drive away or hide in their basements. So far, it has withstood 155 mile-an-hour winds, which is better than the average mobile home. Mobile home parks and tornadoes seem to have an affinity for each other.

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The Batmobile Dominator caused quite a stir, with people chasing it for photographs with their mobile phones.

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A good time was had by all.

Electric Cars Are Dangerous

Extra: N Carolina to regulate sale of cereal

by Rodney Scattergood

President, ExxonMobil

Did you know electric cars are dangerous contraptions? It's true. You could plug in your car to recharge its batteries, and be electrocuted. You could just be sitting in it, turn it on, and be shocked - and you haven't even left your home. You could just be sitting in the car as a passenger, and be shocked. You could be in an accident, and the rescue workers could not touch your car, because of the danger of electrocution - and you'll be trapped and left to die. All because you tried to save yourself some gasoline money.

The fact is, gasoline and diesel fuel have a 100-year history of reliably powering our vehicles. No matter if it is a car, truck, train, or airplane, fuels made from crude oil have a proven track record. You can buy whatever you need to power whatever vehicle you are in, at millions of places around the world, wherever you are. You can't say that about electric cars - which will leave you stranded, sometimes in bad neighborhoods.

And fuels made from crude oil are inexpensive, unlike the batteries in electric cars. Did you know the only reliable source of lithium for those batteries, is Bolivia - a country which hates us, and is run by a committed socialist communist? We'll be dependent on another country to make our transportation system run. They could turn off the spigot supply at any time, and we'll be back in the Dark Ages.

Right now we get most of our crude oil from Canada, an English speaking country run by people who love our way of life. Why tempt fate? And you'll never run out of gasoline in your lifetime, unlike lithium for those batteries which are not perfected. Do you want to be a guinea pig? Of course not.

Americans work hard for their pay. Why put your hard earned dollars into buying a contraption, when those same dollars will buy a proven, reliable car, powered by gasoline - which you can buy right at the corner.

Keep a 100-year tradition alive. Your neighbors will thank you. And so will I.

Andy Williams Attacks Obama, Loves Murderer

When you're white, you can get away with anything, even murder. Now, Andy Williams has attacked President Obama, saying "Obama is following Marxist theory. He wants the country to fail," and said one of the people he associates with "is registered as a Communist," without naming that person.

Williams does not have any compunction about championing a murderer, as long as the killer is French, female and pretty. Just like Susan Cummings - wealthy, French, female and pretty, like a gun slinging Botticelli.

Williams has joined the chorus of right wingers denouncing Obama with vitriol as a subversive, Manchurian candidate president. This is the same Williams who does not have any problem being an advocate for someone who got away with murder.

This is the same Williams who is stone silent when reactionary white men call for a military coup. If this was being preached when George Bush was president, they would be prosecuted. Instead, they are tolerated, even humored.

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Here's what is under the surface: I don't look Jewish; I look like a Moscovite. I had contemplated living in Colorado Springs because I have asthma. At the end of a job interview there, the manager interviewing me asked if I had begun looking for a place to stay. I said yes, and was interested in a condominium or townhouse. He then mentioned a section of the Springs, and said "You wouldn't want to live there. It's too dark for you." I decided to stay on the East coast.

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Jimmy Carter was correct. I hear it all the time. The vitriol gets continually worse, and Thomas Friedman has warned about it. Orly Taitz travels around the country, giving incendiary speeches at gun shows, hoping to incite a lone wolf.

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There is a symbiotic relationship of right wing Israelis with apocalyptic evangelicals, determined to thwart President Obama's goal of creating Palestine. The Republicans do not want compromise; their goal is to ruin Obama's presidency and legacy, nothing more.

An Open Letter To Mario Apuzzo

My Dear Counselor:

Leo Donofrio, a professional poker player and sometime attorney, invented out of whole cloth the myth that there are three classes of American citizens: naturalized, native born, and natural born.

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He further adds to this fairy tale, that the last class - natural born - is solely composed of people who were born to parents who were both citizens at the time of birth. And he adds to this urban myth, that only this last class of citizen can aspire to the presidency, thus disenfranchising a substantial segment of the population.

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This has been picked up, and amplified, by you and Orly Taitz. Taitz is a dual US/Israel citizen by way of Russia, with a diploma mill law "degree," and who up to recently made her living as a mediocre dentist. She has now abandoned her dental practice, and made her life's work the quixotic quest of driving Barack Obama from office by circulating scurrilous rumors.

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Using your professional stature, your triumvirate has cultivated a credulous mob of gullible people, 99.9% of who are white and feel disenfranchised, and assured them of the righteousness of your cause.

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Then, pouring gasoline on the fire, your coterie along with alleged ruminant molester Joseph Farah, have induced people to send "donations" so that you can continue with your noble cause, hinting darkly that if the cash stops the Republic will crash and burn.

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Glenn Beck, exhibit A in galloping hypocrisy, brays on his shows about the threat to the Constitution by President Obama - someone who was elected fair and square, unlike the 2000 election. He then is lampooned and starts squealing like a stuck pig. Knowing full well that parody is protected by the same Constitution that he hides behind for his hatchet jobs, he has a hired gun send threatening letters to the satirists, and then goes forum shopping looking for a court where he believes his bruised feelings will be assuaged. He ended up with an arbitration panel in Switzerland, believing they would shut down the website lampooning him. To his surprise they would not, and extracted an agreement from his lawyers that any more 1st Amendment disputes would be heard in the States.

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Interesting how portable your beliefs are.

Another Kenya Birth Certificate

My cat wants to prove his Kenyan birth.
Read the truth about Orly Taitz' name.

 (click on the certificate for a close-up)

I Love Birthers...

...they are the gift that keeps on giving.

How many birthers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to explain the conspiracy why the filament didn't last, because Obama and liberals sabotaged the factory.

What's the difference between a reptile and a birther?
One is hatched from eggs, eats insects, and sleeps under a rock.
The other is a reptile.

I can't listen to Rush Limbaugh. The string between the tin cans is broken.

Isn't it a shame how 99% of the birthers give the whole movement a bad name?

I had to take my birther neighbor to the hospital. He broke his leg when he tripped over his cordless phone.

Did you hear about the birther who refused to go to Canada, because he couldn't speak the language?

What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles sold in red states? "Open other end"

How do you drive a birther mad? Put him in the Oval Office, and tell him the president's Kenyan birth certificate is hidden in the corner.

How do you tell who is the groom at a birther wedding? He's the guy wearing the clean wifebeater.

What's the solution to the birther problem? Live ammo for Civil War reenactments.

Why did the birther stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said "CONCENTRATE"

What's wrong with birther jokes? Birthers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're a joke.

How do birthers form a car pool? They meet at work.

Welcome To Birfistan

CAROTID - Nestled in the mountains on the edge of Transylvania, lies the duchy of Birfistan. On the outskirts of the capital city of Carotid, sits a foreboding castle. At night, strange sounds can be heard coming from the top level. Whenever a visitor asks any of the town folk about the castle, there is a sotto voce reply: "It's really an asylum," before hurrying away.

For in this castle lives Orly "Snow" White, and the Seven Dwarfs. They are:

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-Bergy: florid, bearded, ill-tempered

-Puzy: always rumpled, took Grumpy's place after he was found in the Delaware River

-Donofry: lost everything at poker, works in the castle's OT shop

-Swensy: high strung, but hides it by acting dopey

-Schulzy: a dwarf from upstate New York

-Ritzy: a dwarf from Oklahoma, spends his day demanding IDs from everyone in proximity of the castle

-Cooky: was in Birfistan's armed forces, until a breakdown

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Overseeing all of these denizens, and the castle itself, is of course Orly "Snow" White. She once was a dentist, lawyer, and real estate agent until the breakdown on international television. She hasn't been seen in public since.

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So if you take the weekly Lockheed Constellation flight to Birfistan, the same airplane Ann Dunham took to Kenya in 1961, be sure to walk cautiously if you approach the castle. Ritzy will run up to you, demanding to see your birth certificate. Act with pity; he's unhinged.

My Cat's Kenyan Birth Certificate

click on the certificate for a close-up

The birth certificate generator is here.

My Authentic Kenyan Birth Certificate

click on the certificate for a close-up

By popular demand, here is the jpg template, and here is the pdf template.

Birthers' Form Letter

I've noticed that Birthers all have the same talking points. Apparently, there is a site which lists them, for copying:

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-Orly Taitz, DDS, ESQ, M.O.U.S.E., is a brilliant dentist/lawyer/astronaut

-Obama was born in Hawaii/Kenya/Indonesia/Tasmania

-Obama's COLB is a forgery/conspiracy/Cracker Jack prize

-Obama is a halfrican/mulatto/oreo/octaroon/macaroon

-Obama's father is Malcolm X/Frank Davis/Patrice Lumumba/Sidney Poitier

-Obama has spent millions/gazallions/ducats to keep his records sealed/in his pants/in a safe deposit box in Andorra

-Obama's mother was a slut/whore/courtesan/zoologist

-Obama is a socialist/Marxist/communist/coal miner

-Obama is Muslim/Christian/Jewish/Wiccan/T&A worshipper

-Obama is a democrat/subversive/Whig

-Obama is a fraud/usurper/Martian

-Obama is an African/Arab/Cossack/Ruritanian

-Misha Marinsky is this author/Jewish communist/Bolshevik/lipstick

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Don't forget to tip your waitress, and drive safely

Famous Willards

Much has been made about President Obama's name and heritage. The blogosphere is filled with stories how Barack Obama was called Barry Soetoro by his step-father, when he lived with his parents in Indonesia. Apparently, this disqualifies Obama from ever being president, or a lawyer.

Speaking of lawyers, the Birthers' ringleader is a mediocre dentist with a diploma mill law degree, who now lives in Mission Viejo, California - by way of the Soviet Union and Israel. Are you following me so far? Good.

It seems that Gerald Ford, our 38th president, was known legally as Leslie Lynch King, Jr., as a child. Clearly a subversive impostor. I don't know how we ever made it through that usurper's presidency. Was his appointment of Justice Stevens even legal? Must have been the communists. I guess they didn't want to be blamed for any turmoil here, so they arranged everything with their liberal sympathetic contacts in the media.

William Jefferson "Bill" Clinton was born William Jefferson Blythe III. Uh, oh.

Wait - the plot thickens. Remember Mitt Romney, erstwhile governor of Massachusetts? It seems he is concealing his actual name.

I wonder what he is hiding?

Oh, yeah. His actual first name is Willard. Really. As in Willard the pet rat collector. Politicians should never be named Willard, just like pets should never be named Ben. It's unseemly.

So now you know why he insists his name is Mitt. Just like he insists he hates polygamy, unlike his ancestors, and unlike the Mormon I once worked for, who had two wives.

A Culture Of Persecution

First, let me state I am Jewish, and a Zionist. I was raised surrounded by survivors. My grandmother was saved by being hidden in a trunk, my maternal great-grandparents perished in Treblinka. My step-father’s best friend had a number tattooed on his arm; his wife was shot in the head in front of him. In college, my best friend’s mother survived Auschwitz. Her parents and sister were shot in front of her; they are Ukrainian Catholic.

My mother told me when she was a child, people would shout zydie and Jude at her. I have had my share of anti-Semitism thrown in my face.

I am not a naïve, liberal Pollyanna pushover, but I believe in social justice. On one Jerusalem Post forum, someone responded to my post with “you’re so liberal your brains have fallen out.” I’m still bemused from that one.

And here’s where I’m going to get blasted: we have a culture of persecution. Our holidays and observances revolve around persecution. What would we do with our time, if we didn’t spend it licking our wounds?

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Biological warfare? How about this: Captain Ecuyer wrote to Colonel Bouquet "Out of our regard for them (two Indian chiefs) we gave them two blankets and a handkerchief out of the smallpox hospital. I hope it will have the desired effect."

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General Philip Sheridan in 1869: "The only good Indian is a dead Indian." Sound familiar? How many streets are named after Sheridan, and how many monuments for him are there? American Indians went through the same genocide, documented best of all by Dee Brown in Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, and their culture does not revolve around that.

We don’t proselytize, and so we’re shrinking – we have not recovered from the Final Solution. In fact, a lot of us reject converts. News flash: Rachel was a convert. We should proselytize among the unchurched, and we should welcome those who want to join us. Every other religion has that figured out.

And whom do we welcome uncritically? Evangelicals. Evangelicals’ core belief is Armageddon, which sounds like the Final Solution, and who fund Jews For Jesus. How’s that for irony? We’re BFF with the people who love Israel, but hate Judaism and Jewish culture. Oh sure, they pump a lot of donations and tourist dollars into the Holy Land - and then stab us in the back while they are smiling at us. Notice they never say Israel? It’s always the Holy Land. They can’t bring themselves to say it.

Don’t believe me? How’s this from Pastor Hagee, who is a closet anti-Semite:

He told his congregation that Hitler was Jewish, that the Star of David and the menorah is on the back of US paper money, that Jews control the monetary supply, and every canard in the catalog. But he loves Israel – I mean the Holy Land. Hagee wants to open an office in the Holy, er Israel, but hasn’t because he will not sign an agreement not to proselytize. He sure loves us. In fact, Hagee along with other Evangelicals, is pouring gasoline on the fire because of their twisted prophecies. Well, I’m not going to be a player in their sick theatre.

Here’s where this is going: when, not if, Israel is forced to vacate the West Bank, Evangelicals are going to funnel their donations to the settlers, and foment an armed insurrection.

I want Jewish culture to flourish, and it cannot when we mistreat others. What was done to us, does not give us the right to do it to others. I am not speaking against self-defense, but because of what happened does not give us license to pound Gaza into rubble. We, of all people, have engaged in collective punishment. We, of all people, are being accused of war crimes. We cannot afford to lose another generation.

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Nelson Mandela, in what was seen as the ultimate act of reconciliation, invited Percy Yutar for lunch in 1995, a year after he was elected the country's first black president – despite Yutar’s attempt to hang Mandela. We should take Mandela and Desmond Tutu as our models.

How would it be received if every time the government of Congo did something outrageous, they said ‘you can’t criticize us because of King Leopold.’? Or, South Africa said ‘you can’t say a thing after apartheid.’ Because when Israel is chastised, that’s exactly what we do.

I Could Not Resist

Joe The Plumber In Israel, PBUH

SDEROT - Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, AKA Joe The Plumber, is in Israel where he will be fixing toilets on both sides of the border. “I think I can bring both sides together with my plumbing,” he said.

“Just yesterday, I went to a woman’s house in Sderot whose toilet was backed up. I saw that the drain was clogged with a rocket fin. I got it out, and all the crap went down,” Joe said. “Then today, I went to a house in Gaza that had a backed up toilet. I found a piece of a shell at the bottom. Since I cleaned it out, everything goes down fine,” he continued.

“I want everyone to know I’m running a special this month on stainless steel toilets. They hold up to bombardment better than ceramic models. In fact, I’m thinking of staying here. You don’t need a plumber license in Israel or Gaza,” Joe said.

What If Dogs Could Write II?

click on the photograph for a close-up

What If Dogs Could Write?

click on the photograph for a close-up